Do you want to learn to listen? Talk to adults like children.

We communicate constantly - we talk in chat rooms, text messages, on the phone and face to face, with family and strangers. We meet to chat with friends, talk to clerks, cashiers and people in shopping centers. It might seem that there is nothing simpler than conversation. So where does our frustration and frequent feeling of being misunderstood come from?

This is because in communication, even though we often think we are listening very carefully, we focus on our own perspective . We just wait until the interlocutor finishes speaking to immediately tell us what it looks like from our side. We tell our own stories. We share anecdotes. We want to shine and delight the interlocutor or impress him with empathy. We give advice: "If I were you..." In addition, we often talk when we don't have time or space to listen to the other person. This makes us - even subconsciously - feel impatient during the conversation.

To learn to listen, follow these rules :

1. Try to hold the conversation at a time and place when you can actually devote 100% of your attention to the interlocutor, instead of thinking about the overdue report, the unwashed laundry and tomorrow's visit to the pediatrician. When you are truly present, the conversation will flow completely differently.
2. Really listen to what the other person is saying, ask questions , be curious. Don't wait until your interlocutor finishes the sentence to say: "How do I know that..."
3. Maintain eye contact . It's cliche, but it really adds to the conversation. In addition, it somehow forces the listener to pay more attention by focusing on the interlocutor. If you are facing the person you are talking to, they will have the impression that you are really listening to them.
4. Make sure you understand what the other person is saying; you can use phrases : do you want to say that...? If I understand correctly, you mean that...? This is a popular trick of psychologists in therapy offices. And don't change the subject - it's really depressing for the interlocutor.

For many people who can actually listen, these methods are quite obvious and intuitive. They are also often recommended for communication with children. Exactly such advice can be found in the guides "How to talk so that children will listen to us", "How to listen so that children will talk to us", as well as in the books of the outstanding Scandinavian educator, the late Jasper Juul, who is the guru of parents who follow the path of attachment parenting.

How to talk to children so that they can hear each other?

• To give your child, regardless of whether he or she is 2, 7 or 15, your full attention. Even though we think we check our phone discreetly, the child immediately feels that it is no longer a priority. It's the same with adults. Then the atmosphere of an intimate conversation breaks down and the thread of communication is broken. We all want to feel important .

• To respect a child: do not deprecate what he says, do not belittle his emotions, do not ridicule him. So when he says he fell over and his leg hurts, don't say nothing happened. Has become! Your child wants to share with you the pain and frustration he or she is experiencing. Don't ignore it, because next time it won't want to let you into the world of its emotions. And one more thing: don't distract him. When he's going through something, tell him you're sorry, that you understand, and ask him what he feels. Don't say: "Look, there's a dog outside the window." This way you will send a message that his feelings are irrelevant. Exactly the same mechanisms work in adults. When someone tells you that they won't make their loan payments on time or that they have a problem in their relationship, the worst you can say is "don't worry" or "it's nothing."

• To ask questions . This shows that you really listen, you are interested, you care about answers and knowing the story. It's good if these are open and detailed questions. When asked: "How was school?", the child will only answer: "Good". But if you ask: "Did you manage to show the lady that drawing you worked so hard on yesterday?" Was Ola happy with the sticker you brought?”, there is a good chance that the child will talk about her whole day. The adult will also feel that you are really curious and that your questions are not casual.

• To create a safe atmosphere . Do you know why Andre Stern, a specialist in playful education, suggests that when we talk to children, we should crouch down and not talk to them from a height of 1.70 m? Because it's hard to feel good when there's a huge shadow looming over you, many times your size. If you crouch, your face will be level with the baby's face. This builds trust and shows that you take them seriously. The same applies to relationships with adults - make sure the interlocutor feels at ease .

Bibliography:

1. Faber J., King J., " How to talk so that little ones will listen to us". Family Media, 2017
2. Faber A., ​​Mazlish E., "How to talk so that children will listen to us. How to listen so that children will talk to us." Family Media, 2013
3. Juul J., "Your competent child", MiND, 2011.
4. Juul J., "Instead of education about the power of the relationship with the child." MiND, 2016