Why is it so hard to love yourself and what to do about it?

The shelves of bookstores are filled with various provenance guides on how to accept and love yourself. Long queues of people who want to improve their self-esteem and, therefore, their lives, line up at therapists' offices. And rightly so, because treating yourself with respect and love is the basis for well-being and, well, a better life. So if we're all great in theory and know hundreds of pieces of advice about love and acceptance, why is it so hard to put it into practice?

No one taught us to put ourselves first.

In our culture, it is still frowned upon to belittle oneself, one's achievements, talents and advantages. Assertiveness, setting boundaries and speaking well about oneself are perceived as a manifestation of extreme egocentrism. This is perceived as overconfidence. From childhood we are taught to be nice, smile and give a kiss when called. That we should share toys and give way to those younger and older, even if we don't feel like it. We are forced into matrices from which we are supposed to emerge well-formed, polite and obedient people . And it works, because constantly expressing your opinion loudly, saying "no" and setting boundaries is not welcomed .

Through "traditional" socialization, we are taught to put the needs of others first and ignore our own . We pay attention to everyone but ourselves. This results in a kind of dissonance and discomfort that may manifest itself not only in poor well-being ("autumn blues"). It leads to various depressive and anxiety disorders. Fortunately, more and more people are saying that a happy life is impossible without listening to yourself and taking care of yourself. Wise therapists invited to the media emphasize the role of self-acceptance in building healthy relationships. It works like an oxygen mask on an airplane. First you put it on yourself, and only then you rush out - already wearing a mask - to help others. Without a mask, you won't help anyone and will harm yourself. It's the same in life. Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others too.

Women see symptoms of crisis in others, but not in themselves.

This is especially visible in the case of women. "It is women who 'bring' children, husbands and partners to the offices, they carefully observe family members and immediately notice low mood, anxiety reactions or other disturbing symptoms. In everyone but themselves. They are at the very end," she said in an interview with "Wysokie Obcasami" psychologist Justyna Żukowska-Gołębiewska. She added that it is particularly disturbing that women are adapting to the symptoms of mental crisis in themselves . "We should not get used to constant tension, depression, low mood, anxiety. And women say, that they are already used to it. They are used to the rush, tension, excessive responsibilities and not drawing attention to themselves," she added. The pandemic has further deepened this condition.

Okay: we know it's not good. So what to do to make it better? To give yourself priority, to love yourself and find time to learn about it, and to cultivate the acquired knowledge?

How to put yourself first?

When we don't feel good about ourselves and don't have a good opinion about ourselves, we make our self-esteem dependent on others. In this situation, there is a high risk that we will give in to negative feelings and emotions. We may feel incongruence, shame, anger, guilt and loneliness ¹ . Such emotional states may, in turn, lead to the desire to soothe them and feel better. And this is a catalyst for various compulsive behaviors - abusing alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, work. How to calm them down without hurting yourself? Jeffrey Borenstein, a physician who founded the Brain&Behavior Research Foundation, proposes a strategy based on a few simple steps:

• Talk to yourself and others about yourself with love and respect,
• Treats yourself as a priority
• Take a break from constantly being judged,
• Be honest with yourself and be kind to yourself,
• Set healthy boundaries
• Learn to forgive yourself, even when seemingly simple actions fail ² .

Social media and self-love.

The researcher adds that on the path to self-acceptance, it is important to listen to your body and the signals it sends. It's also worth eating healthily and giving yourself time to take a break from your phone and social media. That's right - social media. Further research shows that they have a destructive impact on our well-being. Using them, we constantly compare ourselves with others, forgetting that what goes into the so-called "sociali" is just a fragment of someone's seemingly perfect life ³ . Frequent use of Facebook or Instagram causes our self-esteem to drop . The solution is simple. You need to spend less time on the Internet. Or maybe you will even decide to do a temporary (or longer) detox? This is a very specific solution that can be implemented immediately.

Being grateful helps you feel better.

Research also shows that practicing gratitude has a very positive impact on our condition. This is the basis of many religious and philosophical systems. Psychologist prof. Robert A. Emmons from the University of California claims that practicing gratitude has a positive impact on health and life. Research shows that it lowers blood pressure, improves immunity and the quality of rest (including sleep) ⁴ . Being grateful also makes us feel better mentally . When we pay attention to what is close and pleasant to us and are grateful for it, the parasympathetic part of the nervous system is activated. This lowers cortisol levels and increases oxytocin levels. We are happier when we are grateful. You can read more about the impact of gratitude on health here.

Do you want to love yourself? Learn to forgive.

And as you practice gratitude, be grateful also for your ability to forgive . And apply it on yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, for being late, for not fulfilling someone's request or for not giving your all. As prof. said Wiktor Osiatyński: "Look in the mirror, straighten your parting, and fuck off ." That's all and that's it. Research shows that those who took part in a 6-week forgiveness training program had lower stress levels and felt less anger and suffering. Moreover, they felt a surge of optimism after the course and four months after it ⁵ .

Bibliography:

1. Davis T., “How to Love Yourself More,” Psychology Today, November 29, 2021.
2. Borenstein J., “Self-Love and What It Means”, bbrfoundation.org, February 12, 2020
3. Muqaddas J., Nawaz A., Sanobia AS, “Impact of Social Media on Self-Esteem”, European Scientific Journal 2017.
4. Emmons RA, “Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier”, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2007 - 244.
5. Weir K., “Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health,” American Psychological Association, January 2017.