Shamed from childhood, taught in kindergartens and schools (if at all) about "brooches" and "siurdaki", immersed in the stifling fumes of ultra-Catholic mentality, we are unable to freely express our sexual needs and even being in a stable relationship/marriage, we do not really know how to communicate . Although, according to the report of prof. Zbigniew Izdebski on the sexuality of Polish women and men 51% positively evaluate their sexual life, which is visible mainly among people aged 30-49 1 , but this data can be looked at differently.
As many as 49% do not have a good opinion about this area of life. It's a lot, and often the reason is not only stress and fatigue , although these are extremely important factors, but also ordinary Polish shame, instilled in us from an early age . In addition, we all have complexes, worries , we get older, our bodies change, children are born, and the dynamics of relationships change. All this has a huge impact on sex life and how we approach it. And how ashamed we are to say openly about what we expect, what troubles us, what we would like more of and what less of. This does not only apply to Polish women and men. Even a cursory reading of scientific research 2 , as well as internet forums and discussions in social media, show that globally many people are simply ashamed to talk about sex . And everything related to sexuality.
"Sex-related shame can manifest itself in various areas of our lives - we are ashamed of our period, our body, the fact that we have a sexually transmitted disease, and even our gender or sexual orientation. This comes from many sources, including culture and religion . way of upbringing, past experiences, and even stories we have heard from others," said Dr. Sara C.Flowers from Planned Parenthood Federation of America in an interview with "PsychCentral" magazine 3 .
Dr. Flowers emphasizes, above all, the importance of acceptance - because each body is different, works differently, and is best defined not by society, but by the person to whom the body belongs.
In an interview with "Dziennik" 4 Erotic consultant Anna Moderska shared several ways to talk to your partner about sex effectively (and without shame) . First of all, we don't talk about our sex life immediately after sex and not in the bedroom . This conversation should take place in a neutral place . Beware of the emotions that will surely arise. It should be a calm conversation , without shouting, accusations or blaming each other. And no phones ! Honesty is very important : we speak openly. "I want to talk because I feel that there is space that is worth working on, and I am doing it because I love you and I want things to be better between us" - this is an example sentence with which you can start a conversation. Because you talk to change and improve something, not to list your shortcomings.
Don't talk about your ideas, only about facts and feelings , and don't use big quantifiers ("because you always", "because you never"). Focus on the here and now . If you talk about what you don't like, you can balance it with " good feedback " - "I really like it when...", "I remember well...". This helps reduce tension. Also remember that you don't have to say everything in one conversation - you have time to follow up. What's important is that you started talking. And the recently published book by journalist Ewa Wanat with the telling title "Fuck Shame" may be helpful. 5 .
Bibliography: Prof. Zbigniew Izdebski, Health, relationships and sex life of Poles, October 29, 2020, uw.edu.pl. Ueda P, Mercer CH, Ghaznavi C, Herbenick D. Trends in Frequency of Sexual Activity and Number of Sexual Partners Among Adults Aged 18 to 44 Years in the US, 2000-2018. JAMA Netw Open. 2020;3(6):e203833. Taneasha White, “How to Leave Shame Out of Your Sex Life,” psychcentral.com, August 27, 2021 “Nothing forced, but no shame! 6 rules for talking to your partner about sex", dziennik.pl, September 30, 2015. Ewa Wanat, “Fuck shame. The Story of the Sexual Revolution. Filtry Publishing House, 2022
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Napisała: Anna Stachowiak
Journalist, editor. Mainly interested in social and health issues. Publishes in the weekly " Przegląd ". A lover of active recreation, a healthy lifestyle, testing theories in practice and delving deeper into the topic. Privately, she is the mother of a rebellious 3-year-old and a yoga adept.
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