– The first question is – does anyone need our support in changing? Sometimes yes, but only support, without giving advice - says psychotherapist Katarzyna Kucewicz in an interview for nikaMag.
Any change, even the one we perceive as positive, causes stress. This is because it forces you to leave the safety zone - a state in which everything is known and familiar. Taking up a new job, buying a new apartment or moving to another city (or country), a new relationship, the decision to end an old relationship, whether romantic or friendly, the birth of a child... All these circumstances are stressful. Especially during the pandemic, when stress and anxiety levels are much higher than in pre-pandemic times. Recently, all this has been additionally stressed due to the war in Ukraine. Psychotherapist Katarzyna Kucewicz , owner of the Inner Garden office, advises how to support loved ones who are in the process of change
Katarzyna Kucewicz: Change forces us to leave the comfort zone, i.e. perform activities other than those we have previously done. Paradoxically, a person feels very safe in routine, even toxic routine, as in a comfortable armchair under a warm blanket. Sometimes it's very deceptive. You sit in that chair and choose that option instead of getting up, walking around for a while and experiencing something much more comfortable that may be just around the corner. There is an element of peace in routine. We were raised by people who had a disturbed sense of security.
Our parents and grandparents lived in times of social conflicts and threats. Therefore, they passed on to us, sometimes consciously and sometimes in passing, values such as: stability above all else. That's why today, for example, people hear full disapproval from their parents: "Why are you changing a good job and stable employment for something new? How can you change your profession after the age of 35, it's irresponsible!” The older generation often fails to realize that millennials or "Zets" need changes, get bored more quickly, and their main value is not stability, but satisfaction, a sense of excitement or simply joy in life.
The question is: “Does anyone even need our support to change?” Sometimes not. Sometimes yes, but only cheering, no advice given. Sometimes someone's change is beyond our control. Sure, there's nothing terrible about our disapproval. However, let's remember not to hurt anyone with our criticism. Because we always only know part of the story. My friend says: "I want to leave my husband." And we thought he was such a great guy. Should we then dissuade her from the idea? NO. Because if she intends to do so, it means there's probably something we don't know about. The situation probably looks different from her perspective. It is worth talking about these changes, asking about their motivations and trying to understand them. If we have any fear, a feeling that someone's decision is, for example, a mistake in life or too hasty - let's be honest about it. But in a way that does not humiliate or attack. We really won't achieve much if we say to a loved one: "Have you fallen off your ass to get involved with such a person?" It is important not to take responsibility for an adult. If he wants to choose that way, to make a mistake, that's his choice and that's it.
Each of us is entitled to our mistakes. Because they teach a lot. They give you a chance to mature, grow, and understand something. The life of a person who is constantly helped to avoid mistakes leaves him or her immature at the end of the day. He is afraid to make choices on his own and reacts allergic to changes.
Sometimes it happens that someone wants to cast us as a psychotherapist. It happens to me all the time, but it also happens to my friend, and she is a legal advisor. Because it's not about our professional competences. Sometimes people see us as good interlocutors and use our home as a confessional or couch. It is worth setting boundaries if we feel abused in helping others. Don't take on all other people's problems. Say: “I see that what you are going through is difficult. That's why I think it's worth talking to someone who can help you professionally." Or say: "I really want to support you, but I feel like you could use something more than what I can offer because I feel like my powers are exhausted."
Napisała: Anna Stachowiak
Journalist, editor. Mainly interested in social and health issues. Publishes in the weekly " Przegląd ". A lover of active recreation, a healthy lifestyle, testing theories in practice and delving deeper into the topic. Privately, she is the mother of a rebellious 3-year-old and a yoga adept.
Gość: Katarzyna Kucewicz
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