The brain of a teenager, i.e. a child around 11 years of age, is constantly under construction. The cerebral cortex matures and neural connections undergo enormous changes. All this causes the brain to work at full speed. This requires huge energy expenditure. It causes young people to experience various fluctuations and disorders in the area of emotional and cognitive balance. Hormonal and brain changes make teenagers feel like they're on a big swing . During a strong storm on the ocean. At the same time rotating around its own axis.
The emotions that teenagers experience are very violent and extreme . They are also incomprehensible to adults, whose brain has already slowed down and does not push them into the arms of euphoria and then condemn them to the depths of despair. A lot of energy is needed to control this tsunami . As a result, young people are distracted and irritable. They behave nervously, react inappropriately (according to adults) and are too emotional. And they really need a lot of sleep to have strength for everything that happens to them.
We can find layers of almost infinite empathy and patience for rebellious two- and three-year-olds whose favorite word is "no" and their favorite activity is throwing themselves on the floor in anger. So why is it so difficult for us to understand teenagers? This is a very valid analogy. What happens in the brains of children up to 6 years old and teenagers is very similar . After birth, the brain of a newborn, and then an infant and a preschooler, develops extremely intensively. The number of neurons and connections being formed is greatest at this time. Then it is reduced, which means that teenagers are able (to a lesser or lesser extent) to control their emotions and behave more "rationally".
Similar changes apply to teenagers, because at this time the brain undergoes a complete rearrangement. As it turns out, between the ages of 5 and 17, some neural connections disappear and others are created . A young person's brain is maturing. Simply. You have to give him time for this. And maximum support.
First, find out what is going on in your teenager's head. The fact that a child suddenly withdraws into himself, sleeps all afternoon and is prone to risky behavior does not come out of nowhere. It certainly doesn't result from the fact that your child wants to make your life miserable. It can barely cope on its own. If a mother or father knows what is going on in her son/daughter's head, they are better able to support and respond faster.
Secondly, don't ask questions, just listen. A message that is ineffective in this situation: "Dear child, we need to talk about your disturbing tendency to hang out with friends whose provenance raises our doubts." Your son/daughter will probably tell you something when he/she feels that you are not putting any pressure on her/him, but you are really curious about what Olka said about Kaśka's newest pants. Show that you know what's going on. Not only in the electronic journal, because it is not the most important at this stage. Don't ignore the emotions your adolescent is experiencing. They are all important, and for him/her at this moment in life - the most important. Appreciate, don't judge. Don't like the music your child listens to? It's hard, it doesn't have to be. The important thing is that he/she likes it and wants to share it with you.
Are you lucky enough that your adolescent child wants to talk to you about love/sex/contraception/alcohol or drugs? Listen and talk. You don't know everything and you are ashamed? Ok, tell her/him about it. They will appreciate such honesty instead of acting like a know-it-all. And don't be afraid of the magic word "sorry" when you do something wrong and hurt her/his feelings. It really is better than pretending to be an infallible authority. Firstly, authorities are boring, and secondly, no one wants to confide in them.
In fact, what makes up attachment parenting so popular recently also applies to teenagers. We like to use all these techniques with our little children. It's about respecting the child's emotions and autonomy, and taking into account his or her opinion. Also about setting boundaries, but in a wise way, being together and accompanying instead of "raising". Listen, love, be there for your teenager. It's enough.
Bibliography: Walsh E., Walsh D., “How to Talk With Teens.” Psychology Today, February 11, 2020 Sen S., “5 simple tips to help you have a real conversation with a teen.” Ideas.ted.com, January 18, 2018 Ehmke R., “Tips for Communicating With Your Teen”. Child Mind Institute, accessed January 31, 2022. “Talking to your teenager”, National Health Service, nhs.uk, 17 July 2019.
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Napisała: Anna Stachowiak
Journalist, editor. Mainly interested in social and health issues. Publishes in the weekly " Przegląd ". A lover of active recreation, a healthy lifestyle, testing theories in practice and delving deeper into the topic. Privately, she is the mother of a rebellious 3-year-old and a yoga adept.
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