In Poland, approximately 65,000 marriages divorce each year. Too often, parents, caught up in the fight, forget about what their children are feeling.
This year, almost 20,000 divorce petitions were filed with the courts by the end of March . Well over 50,000 couples divorce every year , and this number also includes breakups that occur in informal relationships. That's a lot. Statistics show that approximately 1/3 of marriages end in divorce .
While property can be divided, although this is difficult and stressful, children and their emotions cannot be divided . No matter how old they are. For children, the divorce of their parents is always a shock, a crisis situation , which they experience with enormous stress and many emotions. Parents, busy fighting in court, often simply do not see it. Not because they - evil and degenerate - don't want to. They simply do not have enough time and energy to properly guide their child through this earthquake.
The situation, of course, becomes more complicated if there has been violence in the family . Then the priority is simply to isolate the child from the perpetrator of violence. Even if the child is "only" a witness of it - e.g. the father uses violent behavior towards the mother - it has a destructive influence . Regardless of the age of the child - a few-month-old baby will remember these situations differently, a few-year-old child will remember them differently, and a teenager will remember them differently - for children of all ages, experiencing violence , even in an indirect way, is a devastating experience .
Even though children will feel their parents' tension and stress, in the future this may have negative effects on attachment styles , which are crucial for the child's sense of security. Older children – even those who are just a few years old – will feel a loyalty conflict and will probably look for blame within themselves . There is a popular belief that young children do not remember what happens until they are 3 years old. They remember, and negative experiences stay with them - and there is more and more research showing this .
Regardless of age, a child can read the parents' emotions and, in situations of conflict and divorce, also feel helplessness, loss, regret, sadness and anger. They may rebel and quarrel for seemingly trivial reasons or need attention all the time. Situations of psychosomatic diseases are also not uncommon , the subconscious "goal" of which is to reconcile the parents. No wonder - the family gives the child a sense of security, and when it falls apart, it causes the child to lose ground under his feet .
What can parents do to help children during this difficult time? First of all , remember that they exist. And that they participate in the entire process just like parents. Therefore, it is worth developing a parental agreement in which you can include virtually everything - from the method of education and treatment to the extent to which the parent with whom the child does not live participates in the child's life. These are "contacts" present in the court nomenclature.
It is very important - although it depends on the child's age - to talk to him . Explain that the parents' separation does not mean separation from the child, and the divorce is in no way the child's fault . Reassure them that even though the family will no longer live together, both parents love the child/children very much.
This is much more difficult if there is a fight over the child(ren) , for example who they will live with. It is then easy, in the heat of court proceedings, to lose sight of what is most important. This is simply the child's sense of security and acceptance of his emotions. Too often, parents who are in deep conflict try to turn the child against the other parent - limit the time spent together or speak negatively about the other parent. This is a strategy that may only be effective in the short term and perhaps for the purposes of legal proceedings. However, its long-term effect is to destabilize the child's emotions and sense of security, as well as self-esteem.
If you have doubts about whether your child can cope well with a situation of conflict or divorce between you and your partner, do not hesitate - seek help from a child psychologist . He or she will assess the actual condition of the child and advise you how to talk and act in a way that will guide the child through the entire – after all very difficult – divorce process as smoothly as possible.
Napisała: Anna Stachowiak
Journalist, editor. Mainly interested in social and health issues. Publishes in the weekly " Przegląd ". A lover of active recreation, a healthy lifestyle, testing theories in practice and delving deeper into the topic. Privately, she is the mother of a rebellious 3-year-old and a yoga adept.
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