Exhausted after a weekend with the kids, you open Instagram and see reports of smiling bloggers in the company of their well-behaved children - all in clean and ironed clothes from the latest collection of a fashionable store. They talk about how happy they are spending time together. You feel jealousy and anger that your motherhood has little in common with the ideal image on the Internet - the children are constantly fighting and arguing about something, destroying and dirtying their clothes, and when they fall asleep, you first feel relief, and then you feel guilty and wonder what is wrong. wrong with you.
If this situation seems familiar or similar, you may be expecting too much from yourself as a mom. Modern women have to deal with an abundance of information , recommendations and advice on raising children, as well as the unreal world of social media . How to maintain mental health in this situation and how to deal with the difficulties experienced by modern mothers was told by psychologist and psychotherapist Joanna Frejus in nikaLIVE on Instagram . You can watch the recording at this link . The text version is presented below.
Joanna Frejus: I think it's a bit pointless to compare yourself with other generations or even with other mothers from the same generation. I think every generation has its challenges . My mother was very focused on acquiring things because she lived during the Polish People's Republic. I was born in the 1980s, and it was a time when many things were missing and it was a great challenge to get cloth diapers for a child...
It was definitely a logistical challenge. My grandmother, on the other hand, gave birth to her children during World War II, which presented yet another type of challenge. We experience our motherhood in times when we have an abundance of information, an abundance of research, and a multitude of channels through which this information reaches us. Therefore, we may experience many emotional difficulties related to the fact that we do not implement the so-called "mother's role" in the way it "should" be implemented. That we are unable to respond to all the recommendations that we find in books, e-books, webinars, training, online courses, etc. And these are also huge challenges ! In my mother's time, a three-month-old baby went to a nursery. There were nurseries where you sent your child for five days and picked him up on the weekend. A very common practice was to leave children to be raised by their grandparents while the parents worked during the week. If we imagined using these methods in our times, we probably wouldn't be able to bear the guilt.
We don't know if they didn't feel it. They probably felt it, but in different areas, perhaps related to other things, e.g. "I am a bad mother because I didn't get formula for my baby." I think that we have a lot of this feeling of guilt , primarily because we have access to many sources of knowledge that tell us about many different recommendations. And now, if I am preparing for motherhood or being pregnant in the 21st century, I am able to find on the market a dozen, several dozen, and when I read in English, several thousand books in which someone tells me what kind of mother I should be. to be. Additionally, I will open Instagram and type #instamothers and see how other mothers function, at least in this screen truth. And as we know, in most cases, Instagram motherhood is a motherhood that looks very simple, one in which the sun always shines. When we compare it to our reality, to what we see every day at home, we feel that we are worse off.
Our mothers and grandmothers had much less opportunity to confront this knowledge, there was much less research, much less was known about development in general, and there was much less interest in this emotional development in children . Moreover, the difference is that in the context of research and the development of knowledge - whether psychological or neuropsychological - the pace of both research and the spread of information was much slower . It's safe to say that our mothers followed very similar, if not the same, child care recommendations as their mothers.
Exactly! Moreover, these recommendations changed much less frequently , and now if you try hard, you can practically announce a new school of proper, optimal child care every month. Every day you may come across a recommendation that you have not yet implemented, e.g. it is too late. These may be some "absolutely crucial" recommendations for a three-month-old baby, that you have to do some exercises with him, because then he won't develop something, and your baby is already eight months old... It's very hard to keep up with it , and we want the best. for our children, so there is this feeling of guilt - "I should have done something and I didn't know about it." However, it is impossible to know about these recommendations on an ongoing basis!
I think it's important to make this image more realistic , to have a group of friends with whom you can seriously talk, I can say "if I don't feel like being a mother today" and I won't hear some set of "good advice" that I don't know. I can apply it or I won't hear any criticism. This is very important - to be in touch with reality, with reality. Not to stay at the level of checking myself against what Instagram shows me, not to stay at the level of what I read in the book.
And if this feeling of guilt is so strong and so difficult, I should just talk to a specialist and look for what fuels this feeling of guilt. Feeling guilty is often a signal that I care so much. Moreover, it is not worth reading too many psychology books. Choose one or two sources and do not read constantly or listen to millions of psychological podcasts, because this may make you feel guilty that I cannot keep up with all these recommendations. Choose sources that make you feel inspired , not overwhelmed by all the tips.
This is totally crucial to our mental health. It's not even about giving yourself the right to do it or justifying yourself in any way, it 's simply necessary ! There are already legends about trips to the parcel locker at various workshops and support groups . Even a trip to the parcel locker seems like an adventure because I can leave the house, I don't have to take my child with me, I can breathe, take a roundabout route - and it's totally okay, it's natural.
Sure. You open a very extensive and important topic of beliefs, our beliefs as mothers. For example, there is a belief that if I am a mother, I must be physically and emotionally available 100% of my time . Or that mom should be made up to her elbows. Or that only the mother is responsible for taking care of the child. It is very worth getting to know these different beliefs, seeing them and checking what they do to me. Because if I have beliefs that prevent me from resting , it is a very dangerous situation. Here we enter a situation of very intense motherhood, which unfortunately very often leads to burnout and even to depressive symptoms and various types of disorders. We are not machines, we do not operate on the principle of perpetual motion, we cannot spend resources endlessly. Our battery has a limit, and there is a need to replenish this battery and our resources . If we don't do this, it's a path to burnout.
If we have the feeling that by not resting we will provide our child with better care, it is very deceptive. When we do not rest and do not regenerate these resources, over time, unfortunately, we start to burn out, and then caring for a child becomes very difficult. If you ask me how many days you can allow yourself to log out of being a mother, I will answer psychologically: it depends. It depends on the age of the child , on the child's readiness, but also on ours, because what does it matter if I book a ticket to Tenerife for a week if, after landing, I cry for a week from missing the child or from this feeling of guilt? . We take into account the child's needs and development needs. Well, it will be rather difficult to leave a three-month-old baby for a week. Here, I would recommend such outings, preferably 30 minutes in the park, or at a beautician's, or for a coffee, and with time, as the child grows older and becomes more autonomous, extend this time .
I think that a 3-4-year-old child, especially when he or she already has some experience of participating in an institution or kindergarten, is a child who is probably able - I say "probably", because again it depends on the readiness of a given child, it must be very individually considered - to accommodate the fact that our mother is away for a few days . It's always worth starting with a weekend trip, not too far away, to check how the child will cope and how the caregiver who will stay with the child will cope. It is very important that the child feels safe when we are away. That means staying with a person he trusts and with whom he feels good. Sometimes it's dad, sometimes it's grandma, sometimes it's nanny. It is very important to discuss this with your child, so we never disappear. We don't disappear , we talk to the child, we prepare him for the time when we will be gone - "and you know that in a month I will have a weekend when I will go to a hotel with my friends and we will go for massages, you know what a massage is ?” and so on... The closer this trip gets, the more ready we are to talk about it, that "I won't be there, but that I'll be back soon, and during that time you and dad will do some cool things."
If we are open to doing such an exercise on paper , then of course we can! This is the best method because very often when we think a thought, we are able to analyze it to a slightly lesser extent than when we write it down and see it in black and white. Of course, it is worth looking at these beliefs from the angle of: where do I get them, who gave them to me, do I associate them with someone in my family, does any person in my family act according to these beliefs, are they mine, do I want to act on them , or maybe now at this stage of my life I would prefer to act differently, are they consistent with my values, are they consistent with the kind of mother I would like to be? It is worth opening up this topic and the mere awareness that I can automatically use such beliefs, even without knowing it, can sometimes help us make slightly different decisions, more consciously, more in touch with ourselves.
I think the easiest answer, even though it is not an easy topic at all, is: when it is difficult for me to function . In the context of depression, it may be a situation in which it is simply difficult for me to get up in the morning, I don't feel like I have the strength to do so. Any decision-making, any action is something that costs me a lot, it is very difficult for me to do it. In addition, when various thoughts arise that are difficult, that "I am incompetent, hopeless", that "it would be better for my children if I were not there; I should disappear”, sometimes these are suicidal or infanticidal thoughts. It is very important in such situations to simply go to a specialist and talk . It could be a psychotherapist, it could be a psychiatrist. If you live in a place where there is a Mental Health Center - you can check it on the Pilot Mental Health Centers website, there is a map there - you are able to get support and a very quick diagnosis, actually without having to wait for an appointment. I want to say very clearly that if there is something that worries you, do not wait. You don't have to wait to go for a consultation until you are sure that you have depression and it manifests itself in the fact that you no longer have the strength to get out of bed. Just reach for it, ask, we are in these offices to answer, among others: to such questions as: "Is what is happening still normal? Is this a situation where I need specialist support?”
The first conclusion is that I got so many replies in 30 minutes that I couldn't even scroll through them all before we started live. But I would summarize what I noticed in five categories. Firstly, there are many difficulties with physical functioning : lack of sleep, feeling of chronic fatigue, but also overstimulation, seasonal illnesses of children, when the functioning of the entire family often becomes upside down. Secondly, we also have a whole section where various types of disorders and difficulties of a mental nature make it difficult : depression, anxiety disorders, or neuroatypicalities - whether in the child, in the mother, or in the partner. Of course, we also have a very large piece about difficult emotions, both for the mother and the child.
Yes, in general the nomenclature itself, that some are positive and others negative, has become a bit outdated. In psychotherapy, we say that all emotions are important. Some are more pleasant to experience, others less so. All of them are very necessary, each of them carries some important information. However, it is true that it is still difficult for us to experience anger, sadness or fear, both in ourselves and in our children, and to be in this experience with our children. Of course, there will be a lot of guilt in motherhood. We live in times where we have many opportunities that can make us feel guilty.
Thirdly, I also think about a category of "cognitive difficulties" : those related to thinking - and here what we have already said - beliefs , but in addition, also difficulties related to perfectionism. Perfectionism will be a feature that may make it difficult for us to experience ourselves as a mother. However, motherhood is an area that cannot be perfect. Besides, being perfect is simply bad for our children, but more on that later. This feature of perfectionism will cause us to experience many difficult emotions, guilt, anger, lower self-esteem, very often low mood, and all of this will be connected.
Fourthly, we are greatly influenced by environmental pressure . My recipients also wrote a lot about this, that this pressure is so ubiquitous that it presses on the mother from every side. A child, having its own needs and, at least up to some point in its life, meeting these needs only with its mother, puts some kind of pressure on us. We put enormous pressure on ourselves, wanting to meet all our child's needs and do so perfectly. But also, I don't know if you've noticed, there is a social consent to commenting on how mom says "something...". Many people feel that they can give us advice and we do nothing but sit and wait for someone to give us their golden advice. This is also pressure. If I hear 10 times a day that I should do something differently, there is also pressure - environmental and cultural. After all, when we talk about a Polish mother always smiling, sacrificing all her needs for the child, never complaining, it is a huge pressure, because then I end up at home with the child and it turns out that I don't feel like smiling all the time, that I have difficult moments when I am unable to live up to the vision of this self-sacrificing mother. Even if I try hard, it doesn't make me feel good.
And I also think about the fifth part - being in relationships, about partnership, about the fact that the situation of being a mother, being parents also very often affects our functioning as a couple. Suddenly there is a feeling of being dependent, that suddenly, from a very partnership relationship, we end up in some traditional arrangement, where I stay at home with the child, and the partner earns money, and therefore, it is their area from now on. And we are very frustrated with this, because our work and our professional path are also very important to us. And this famous division of duties. Here, we are also very often dissatisfied with the way it looks and feel that we have no influence on what it could look like, and this also causes dissatisfaction and makes it difficult for us to function.
I created such a course, it's called "Tender Warriors" and you can look at many such aspects. Both when we are pregnant and when we are mothers.
The first steps should be taken to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. These are people who can diagnose us and indicate further steps. It is worth looking for support in Mental Health Centers , currently there are several dozen of them in Poland, but it seems that by the end of 2023 or 2024 such facilities are to be in every commune. It is worth checking the website of the Pilotage of Mental Health Centers, there is a map, you can check whether there is such a center in your commune or district. The principle of operation of such a center is that we can enter and, basically without waiting in line, take advantage of the first consultation, during which we are able to dispel some of our concerns and receive some initial support.
It is also worth checking the offers of various foundations and associations. There are more and more organizations that provide psychological support. I run the Sensibility Foundation, and we also very often have such programs under which you can benefit from free or low-paid psychological consultations. We are currently running a program in which we invite people with experience of miscarriage to individual consultations and to a support group . But there are plenty of such organizations, you need to check which of them operates locally or allows you to use online support and then we can often get an appointment faster or if what stops us from this form of help are financial issues, then then such foundations are able to offer us free or low-paid support. Please remember that if you want to see a psychotherapist on the National Health Fund, you need a referral from your family doctor. A referral to a psychiatrist is not needed, so this is often simply a faster path.
A visit to a psychiatrist does not always involve the prescription of medications, so if this is an area of concern for you, let me reassure you - it is not like that. Very often, psychiatrists refer us to psychotherapy, but at least we have a diagnosis and we know what we are dealing with. It is also worth checking which mental health clinics have the shortest queues. If you enter "mental health clinic dates" in the search engine, a table will appear in which you can search for appointment dates, because perhaps our nearest mental health clinic has a two-year queue, but you just need to take a bus four stops and get there much earlier.
Napisała: Hanna Borowska
Editor, journalist, science writer, certified nutrition consultant. Motherhood made her interest in health issues change the direction of her professional path. She has completed several trainings and courses in Poland and abroad in the field of dietetics, functional medicine and aromatherapy. She is passionate about the unexplored power of the human microbiome. She graduated with honors from the Faculty of Journalism and Political Science at the University of Warsaw. For many years associated with Euroradio.fm.
Gość: Joanna Frejus
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