How to survive a four-year-old's rebellion?

Four-year-olds are wonderful. Talkative, surprising, fast and agile. They run, jump, roll, hop on one leg and swing on whatever they can. It's hard to keep up with them, but it wouldn't be such a big challenge if it weren't for the fact that their hellish speed is not accompanied by the desire to see how much they can do until their parent says "stop". And even if he does, there is little guarantee that the child will listen. Because four-year-olds test themselves, their parents, the world . They are delighted with new skills and opportunities, and at the same time they are full of emotions , but they do not yet have the tools to deal with them.

What is the manifestation of a four-year-old's rebellion?

Our preschooler repeats the curse words he hears with great pleasure and checks what impression his borrowed Latin makes. If he sees that the parent is nervous, asks or tells him to stop, the faster he will repeat the forbidden word . When going for a walk, he breaks free from your hand, wants to go alone, and often runs away. It always goes the other way . He doesn't want to eat, brush his teeth or sleep. He doesn't want to go for a walk and then come back. He doesn't want to take a bath, and once he gets into the bathtub, he doesn't want to get out. She tells her mother that she is stupid, only to shower her with kisses and hugs. Dad hears that he has to go away, and then the baby cries that he misses him. At kindergarten and at home, it may happen (not uncommon) that he hits, kicks, bites and throws toys . He doesn't want to listen to requests and orders because he wants to do everything his own way . He provokes, he makes things up a bit. Much of it!

How should a parent behave when a child is going through a four-year-old's rebellion?

What to do? Survive. Set boundaries . Be consistent, but also listen carefully to needs and observe. Don't educate, just accompany . That is, basically, apply the rules that are so important in attachment parenting, which we wrote about here .

Setting boundaries is very important because it builds a child's sense of security . In contrast to the system of punishments and rewards - a "punished" child feels unhappy, and if the punishment comes later and is not directly related to his behavior ("you said a bad word, you won't be able to watch a cartoon in two hours"), the child has a feeling of injustice.

The magic word "sorry".

If you find it difficult to control your emotions in difficult situations, think about what a child experiences when he has emotions but does not understand them and cannot channel them. He is experiencing a storm that he must weather. Advice? Don't get offended, don't make jokes, don't say "you'll remember" or "I'll count to three" (and you do this or that). This will not work, on the contrary, it will have the opposite effect than intended. Penalties are also ineffective and , moreover, oppressive. Talk to your child and explain to him. And if your reaction is exaggerated - you shout at the child, say something in anger that you didn't want to say - use the magic word "sorry" . And one more thing: when you feel like you can't take it anymore, go to the other room and count to ten . Or twenty. Or – fifty. Works.

1. Martha and William Sears, “The Attachment Parenting Book.”
2. M. McKay, P. Fanning, K. Paleg, D. Landis, "When your anger hurts a child."
3. Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg, “Your child is four years old. A wonderful savage.”
4. Bates Ames Louise, Ilg FL, Baker Sidney M., "Child's mental development from 0 to 10 years."