Does attachment parenting mean sacrificing yourself for your child?

The shelves in bookstores are full of guides on how to be the best parent , and on the Internet you can find hundreds of tips - some in the form of webinars - on engaged/effective/fulfilled parenting (delete as appropriate). This is a topic that heats up Internet forums , where most discussion participants try to outdo each other in pushing forward the only ideas that are right in their opinion. There are also many people who write about attachment parenting , which is not so much about the method of upbringing, but about the approach to the journey of parenthood , in which the child is at the center, but the parent is also important . Because together they build a relationship . And that's what the relationship is all about. It is symptomatic that those who refer to this concept - very practical and giving a lot of satisfaction - do not impose their vision on others. They simply write what has worked for them.

What does attachment parenting mean?

Attachment parenting is primarily about rejecting patterns and "upbringing models" as well as methods that are effective, but ultimately not necessarily good for either the child or the parent. Parents who feel good in this trend are parents who do not "raise" the child, but accompany him . They allow for a lot of autonomy, they observe, they are there. In the case of a baby, it will be breastfeeding, wrapping and understanding that crying is the only way of communication for a little person who cannot express his or her needs otherwise. In the case of two-, three- and four-year-olds, it is an assumption that all rebellions, difficult developmental leaps and the challenges associated with them are simply part of the experience - of both the child and the parent. It's about approaching them, giving space for emotions and letting them resonate. Even if they are very difficult.

What is attachment parenting?

For example: a parent who is embedded in the current of closeness does not use golden methods to make the child "finally stop crying" or "finally fall asleep". He won't leave the baby to cry because "he'll get over it eventually." Yes, it will pass, but at the same time cortisol, the stress hormone , will jump to dangerously high levels ( read more about it in a separate article ). What for? To fall asleep faster? The same applies to the use of punishments and rewards, but also to socializing children to be polite . That is: submissive, without an opinion of their own, and, above all, meeting the expectations of others.

In short: the child is breastfed, swaddled, and given closeness - including sleeping in the same bed with him, if necessary, as we wrote about here . Not only because it's simply cool for the parent (both mom and dad), but also to build peace, self-confidence and openness in the child . This is a trend that allows children to be themselves and not suppress their emotions . It ensures that the parent is always there. Even if the baby has colic and cries for an hour or more, or throws itself on the floor in a frenzy in the supermarket (applies to two, three and four-year-olds). What is particularly important is that this trend requires maturity and calm from the parent , because although natural, it will not seem so if we, as parents, are not mindful. And the willingness to simply listen to the child , because that's what it's all about. However, as Jaasper Juul, a Scandinavian educator, clearly articulated in his texts, it is not about everything that falls into the canon of "stress-free upbringing": boundaries are very important . "No" (see: "Not out of love" in Juul) helps build these boundaries and at the same time allows you to create a relationship full of trust and security.

Should a parent sacrifice himself for his child?

This style of parenting may seem very demanding from the parent , who should have almost infinite amounts of patience, time and inner peace to cuddle, accept and pay attention to every stressful situation . And many parents actually fall into the "perfect parenting" trap. As a result , emotional burnout, physical fatigue or even anxiety-depressive disorders may occur .

However, it is worth remembering that attachment parenting is not about the child being the most important member of the family for whom everything must be sacrificed. In the family, everyone is important, everyone deserves the same respect . Yes, the child's needs may dominate at a certain stage (e.g. when he or she is a newborn or an infant), but such a situation should not last indefinitely. It is worth explaining to the child that parents (and siblings) also have their own needs that should be taken care of. Every relationship, not only parent-child but also e.g. parent-parent, is important and must be nurtured. In line with the spirit of attachment parenting, the most important concept in family relationships is balance .

Over-interpretation or misunderstanding of this rule and putting the child on a pedestal may result from the fact that attachment parenting itself was a response to the Veki approach to children as "anonymous beings" ( read more about this in a separate article ). Children were not seen as future adults and were not considered to have the same rights as their parents. However, paying more attention to children's needs was perceived in some circles as a complete upending of family relationships. 

Attachment parenting is based on scientific evidence and discoveries , including: those regarding children's brain development. At the same time, this trend seems to be the most intuitive and natural . If you want to learn more about its principles, we recommend some of the most important book suggestions , which you will find in the bibliography below.

Bibliography:

1. Martha and William Sears, “The Attachment Parenting Book.”
2. Shai Orra, "The Miracle of Parenting".
3. Jaasper Juul, "Out of Love" and basically all books by this author.
4. M. McKay, P. Fanning, K. Paleg, D. Landis, "When your anger hurts a child."
5. J.Faber, J. King "How to talk so that kids will listen to us."